


Silent

by Gilrael



Series: Silent [1]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Getting Together, Growing Up, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Romance, Underage Drinking, Underage Smoking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-01
Updated: 2018-06-01
Packaged: 2019-05-16 22:18:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14819937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gilrael/pseuds/Gilrael
Summary: After years of separation, Alexei runs into Devrim, his former best friend. As they catch up on the years they spent apart, Alexei remembers how they met and became friends. He also remembers certain feelings that are starting to rear their heads again...~~~This is a story that I originally wrote in German and then translated into English a couple of years ago.





	Silent

**Author's Note:**

> First of all, I need to get a bunch of disclaimers out of the way.
> 
> 1) This story is set in Germany where the age of consent is 16 (with a bunch of caveats, but these don't apply in this situation). The characters in this story are teenagers, and while they are 16 and 17, and I don't go into much detail, they do have sex at one point. You have been warned.  
> 2) The German school system is pretty different, and since I'm sure most people won't be familiar with it, here's a quick explanation: Primary school lasts from Year 1 to 4 (~ ages 6 to 11). Afterwards, children will be sorted into three different types of schools, depending on their abilities and marks: Hauptschule (which ends with Year 9 and is required for apprenticeships in manual labour), Realschule (which ends with Year 10 and is required for apprenticeships in regular office jobs), and Gymnasium (which ends with Year 12 or 13, depending on the school, is often referred to as Gymi, and is required for more prestigious apprenticeships and university (it also has nothing to do with English 'gymnasium'). The final exams and the degree you get after attending Gymnasium are referred to as Abitur (or Abi)). After Hauptschule and Realschule, students will move on to vocational schools for their apprenticeships or to attend Year 10 to 13. If you want to teach at a school, at least in my state, you have to major in at least two different subjects (a third subject can be added as a major or minor).
> 
> With that out of the way, I hope you enjoy this story!

“Alexei, could you take over the cash register? I'm gonna take a break.”

According to the cadence of her voice, Nina hasn't had a smoke since two hours ago. It'll probably be for the best if I do as she says without complaint. The last time I came between her and her cigarette break things got very uncomfortable, she started acting like a bitch and thought that it was okay to act out her withdrawal symptoms on me. It's a mistake I won't be making again.

“Of course. I'm on my way,” I say and turn my back on the chaos that has been left behind by our customers on the shelf with the screws. Working the register is less annoying anyway. A job at the hardware store is not what I pictured after finishing my Abi, but I need to do something to finance my studies. I'm not elegible for student loans anymore. Not enough credits in my second major. That's what happens when you think that getting qualifications in Latin is easy. Probably shouldn't have chosen to do history. What school wants to have a teacher whose subjects are history and geography nowadays? And on top of that PE is my minor. Totally useless. But I'm not good at maths, physics is nothing but applied mathematics and chemistry never really interested me. However, I've wanted to be a teacher for a long time now.

Sighing, I sit down behind the register, and the first thing I see looking up is the face of an older gentleman who places two CFLs in front of me.

“Don't you have proper light bulbs anymore?” he asks grumpily. I suppress an annoyed sigh and put on my nicest smile instead.

“We stopped selling them years ago.” I scan the two little parcels.

“You can't light anything with these things!”

Oh, how I hate customers like this. “You'll have to pay €9.86 anyway.”

He gives me a twenty euro note and I give him his change. “Have a nice day!” I say as politely as possible.

“And to you.” Grumbling, the old man leaves the store.

And that's how things are for the next one and a half hours. Nina comes back after her break, but she prefers tidying up the shelves over working the register. Whatever. As long as I'm at the register I have a reason to interrupt rambling customers – there are other people who want to pay after all – but these chatterboxes can't be stopped once they've spotted an assistant between the aisles.

 

Slowly my shift is coming to an end and I have to admit that I'm really fucking relieved. I turn on the “this register is closing” sign and start dealing with the last customers that are standing in my line when I see a terribly familiar face in front of me.

“Alyosha?”

Holy shit. His voice. And the nickname. My heart almost stops beating out of pure shock.

“Devrim,” I say, totally taken aback by this situation. When did I last see him? It must've been a good five years ago. He's barely changed at all. Still lanky, nicely tanned, with dark hair and brown eyes that used to turn the heads of all the girls in our form back in the day.

“Dude, it's been too long.” He barks a short laugh – a noise that burns itself into my brain instantly.

“Too long indeed,” I affirm and force myself not to reminisce about our past. Diligently, I start scanning his items. White paint, masking tape and paint rollers.

“What brings you to Freiburg?” I ask curiously.

“I'm done with my apprenticeship and wanted to get away from my mother as fast as possible,” he explained, shrugging. “I have a flat in Rieselfeld now.” Rieselfeld. That's maybe twenty or thirty minutes on the tram from my flat in the Studentensiedlung. It'll be faster if I take my bike. Holy shit, I wouldn't have thought that I'd ever see him again. “But what are you doing working at a hardware store? I thought you wanted to be a teacher.”

“Well, I need to finance my studies somehow,” I reply and point at the display of the register. “That'll be €63.85.”

Devrim gives me his debit card and I put it into the machine.

“Type in your PIN and then press the green button two times.” While he does that, I watch him closely. Maybe the five years we've spent apart have changed him after all. He's still tall and thin, but he's built up some muscle. The lines of his face have become more adult as well. I don't know why I'm surprised by this. I've changed myself. No more dying my hair black and I can actually grow a halfway decent beard without looking ridiculous.

“Hey, if you wait ten more minutes my shift will be over,” I suggest, without actually thinking about what I'm doing, “we could talk a little if you wanted to.”

“Sounds good to me.”

 

* * *

 

When I saw Devrim for the first time, I didn't know what to think of him. I was fifteen, a total outcast in my form and as the teacher introduced the new pupil to us, I immediately realised that he'd be sharing a table with me. It was the only space that was still free in our overstuffed classroom. Who wants to sit next to the stupid Russian guy anyway? Who wants to sit next to the guy who does nothing but study and keeps on failing because he has exam anxiety? At first glance, Devrim certainly didn't seem like the type of guy who would sit next to a failure of a swot like me. He seemed like one of those “cool guys”. His trousers were hanging too low, his t-shirt was too big and the look on his face was utterly uninterested. Only later would I find out that he and his mother didn't have much money and had to buy his clothes two sizes too big so they'd last longer.

“Why don't you introduce yourself real quick?” our form teacher, Mrs Merck, asked, smiling at him encouragingly.

“My name is Devrim Sadik, I'm sixteen, I'm originally from Stuttgart and my mother and I moved to Wolfach a couple of days ago.” He sounded terribly bored as if he'd said these things a couple thousand times already.

Mrs Merck told him to sit down next to me. As he did, the eyes of our female classmates all followed him. Even if he seemingly wasn't interested in our form, he still had eyes that you could get lost in for hours if he'd only looked at you long enough.

And then Mrs Merck continued torturing us with the stupid book we'd had to read. _Hau ab du Flasche!_ It was one of those novels in which a boy starts hanging with the wrong crowd and develops an alcohol problem. It was totally boring and also absolutely antiquated – I can barely remember the story today. It's terrible when teachers think that books like this can dissuade their pupils from drinking. Mrs Merck definitely wasn't one of the teachers I looked up to. Her marking was incomprehensible and I didn't learn much from her German lessons.

Well, Devrim had to share a book with me, because he didn't have one yet. It was his first day at our school after all. We didn't talk much during the lesson because I didn't really know what to ask him and he seemed to at least try to follow Mrs Merck's lesson, but it was futile. Sooner or later everyone's thoughts would start drifting away after she opened her mouth.

When the lesson was finally over, I couldn't suppress a sigh of relief.

“Is she always so slow?” Devrim was frowning at our teacher as she packed up her things.

“Yeah,” I replied and got out my English textbook for the next lesson. “I'd get the book at the library if I were you, by the way. It's dead boring. I wouldn't waste money on it.”

“What was your name again?”

“Alexei.” I didn't really like my name since all it did was establish a rift between me and my classmates who all had typical German names. Even the two migrants that were in my form had names that didn't stand out. Marco and Tamara aren't all that unusual in Germany, so nobody would think that he was Italian and she was a Volga German. I could've tried establishing a nickname, but there was already someone called Alex in my class, so that didn't work out.

“You Russian?” Devrim asked with raised eyebrows.

“Half,” I snapped and threw him an annoyed look.

“Relax,” he said, holding up his hands in an appeasing gesture. “You at least don't look like it. The first thing people think when they see me is 'Turk'.”

He was right in a way. But before we could continue our little conversation, people started turning around and getting off their seats to talk to him. They asked about his hobbies and other harmless questions. Not that I wasn't interested in getting to know him, but they excluded me from the conversation completely. It probably didn't help that I let them do it.

They left him alone when Mr Fangrat showed up to start his English lesson.

“Are they all this arrogant?” Devrim asked quietly.

“Most of them, yes.” I was a little relieved that the new guy didn't think too much of our classmates. I actually had hope that I had finally found someone to befriend. It wasn't like I didn't have any friends, but they were all older than me and went to different schools. Well, I hadn't always had terrible marks.

During primary school, I was a model student, the best example of what could be achieved with good integration. I was the only one of my friends who managed to get recommended for Gymnasium. But then, everything came to a sudden end. I didn't have any friends in my form, all of my teachers were kinda sceptical about seeing a Russian pupil in front of them and my German teacher was a xenophobe and racist. In that situation it's not a miracle that one would start failing and have panic attacks before every exam, is it? In just one year these fears had become ingrained in my mind and afterwards, even with new teachers, I wasn't able to turn them off. The exam anxiety had become a part of me and I had to deal with all the 3s and 4s. The teachers knew that I wasn't dumb, but they didn't know how to stop my brain from shutting off during exams.

Well, during the course of Devrim's first day at our school I clung to the fact that he kept sharing annoyed looks with me whenever our classmates flocked to him, especially the girls. I was his ally in a way. It was also to my benefit that we took the same train home. Wolfach didn't have its own Gymnasium, so we had to attend school in the neighbouring town Hausach.

We sat next to each other and he asked me about the power dynamics in our form.

“Well, Alex and Kim are the class representatives, so you should probably avoid getting on their bad side,” I explained. “Kim especially can be pretty resentful. All the people sitting in the first row are nerds. If you need to copy homework, they are the people you should ask. Just try to avoid asking the same person every time, they get annoyed pretty easily. Oh, and do not even attempt to get anywhere near Jennifer – that's the petite blonde – 'cause if you do you'll get in trouble with Jonathan. They've been going out since last year. Jonathan is the burly guy who sits in the last row.”

Devrim listened attentively and then looked at me with an expression that I couldn't exactly read. “And what about you?”

At first, I didn't even know how to answer that question. I simply couldn't admit to the first person that showed even the tiniest bit of interest in having a conversation with me that I was an outsider. I was the guy that nobody spared a thought for when it came to inviting people to birthday parties. During school trips, I was the one person who had to be assigned to a room by the teachers, because nobody would've shared a room with me out of their own volition.

But I knew that sooner or later Devrim would notice. It had already been pretty evident that nobody actually wanted to talk to me.

“Well... I am...” I paused, trying to find the right words. “I'm easily overlooked. I'm not interesting enough to sit with the popular people in the last row and I'm too bad at school to fit in with the nerds.”

“So what you are trying to tell me is that you don't have any friends,” Devrim said with a crooked grin. His words were like a punch to the face.

“Fuck you.” Huffily, I turned around and faced the window. He was right in a way, at least if you looked at our form, but I didn't want to admit it. It's not like he could've known that I had friends who went to Realschule and Hauptschule in Wolfach.

“Dude, calm down!” Devrim rolled his pretty brown eyes. “I was just joking. You're a lot more bearable than the others.”

“Well, thanks,” I muttered sarcastically as the speakers announced our arrival in Wolfach. We got up and off the train. For a while, we walked in the same direction, but a cold silence had settled between us. New friend my ass. But as I turned the corner to my street, Devrim grabbed me by the arm.

“Hey, about what I said... I wasn't being serious.” He smiled ruefully. “It'd be nice if we could, like, hang out or something. I think you're kinda... I dunno... cool.”

Of course, I forgave him. I didn't have any other choice, did I?

“Fine,” I said. “We'll talk tomorrow, I need to babysit my little sister now.”

My words painted a dazzling smile on Devrim's face. Seeing him happy was nice somehow, almost infectious. Even after we parted ways the warm feeling wouldn't leave me.

 

Taking care of Anastasia was boring most of the time. She was the youngest, a well-behaved girl of ten, who listened to her older brother. Unlike the middle child. Irina had a mind of her own, did whatever she wanted and loved to ignore me. Looking back, the strain in our relationship was probably caused by puberty and both of us being egotistical. She wanted to hang out with me and my friends at night because she thought it was the cool thing to do. I didn't want to have her with us because I thought it was lame to drag my little sister around with me. I never actually worried that something would happen to her, though, whenever she managed to annoy me into taking her with us. My friends weren't interested in her – she was too young for that – and she never disappeared from our sight either. But her presence still annoyed me.

Anastasia was totally different from her. That was probably due to the age difference of five years, while Irina was only two years younger. Nastya saw me as her protector, and sometimes I even got the feeling that she looked up to me as a father figure.

Our parents weren't divorced or anything, but my father was the sole earner in our family and barely had time for us. When he would come back home from his work at a construction site, he'd collapse on the couch, eat the dinner Mum made for him and fall asleep in front of the TV. He didn't have the energy to spend time with his kids.

My mother spent most of her time looking for a job, writing application letters, going to job interviews, only to be rejected time and again. She worked parttime at a shop but actually studied to become a German teacher, back when she still used to live in St Petersburg. When she came to Germany for a semester, she met my father, they fell in love and kept in contact via letters after her return to Russia. They spent a couple of years apart before my father saved up enough money to fly to St Petersburg, propose to her and take her back to Germany with him. The only problem for her was finding work. Most employers didn't give a damn about her diploma and nobody cared that she was fluent in German (if you ignored her accent).

At least my parents were happy together. I never believed in true love and shit like that, but it worked out for them somehow, even if our family life was restricted to a tired shared breakfast on Sundays.

And that's how I ended up babysitting my little sister while Dad was at work and Mum was at the employment office. Nastya played with her colourful plastic ponies and I did my homework.

“By the way... did you finish your homework?” I asked to distract myself from the reading report I had to write for Mrs Merck. I'd always hated writing summaries of books I didn't care for. Especially, if those books were about stupid alcoholics.

“Yes, I did,” Nasty replied. “I only had to do maths.”

She loved maths. Numbers were her best friends. I was proud of her because I absolutely sucked at maths.

“Well then.” Sighing, I turned back to my copy of the novel and flicked through it. I didn't really have the energy to concentrate on it, though. My thoughts kept drifting – back to the German lesson when Devrim and I had shared a book. It had looked like he despised it as much as I did. And then my thoughts drifted to the station where we'd waited for our train together. He'd told me that he'd already changed schools three times in the last two years. Why he and his mother kept moving, he didn't tell. I also hadn't thought of asking him about it and now that I was sitting in front of my homework, I regretted my oversight. Tomorrow I will ask him, I told myself before I forced my focus back to my work.

 

* * *

 

As quickly as possible, I go to the break room where I put my bags. I only notice that Nina has followed me when I open the door.

“Who's that hot guy that's waiting for you at the register?” she asks and her innocent smile does nothing to mask her curiosity.

“Why do you know that he's waiting for me?”

“Well, I was filling up the shelves right next to the register while you talked to him. I can put two and two together, you know.” Her eyes are burning the back of my head as I turn around to pick up my backpack.

“He's just an old classmate.” I try to shake her off, but Nina is having none of it.

“Ha! I knew that he was waiting for _you_ ,” she says triumphantly. “Was there ever anything between you two?”

Suddenly I break out in cold sweat. Fucking damn it. She can't be serious about this. Slowly, I turn to face her. My bag can wait.

“What are you talking about?” I ask and hope that the tremor in my voice isn't too obvious. Shit, Alexei, keep yourself together!

“Oh come one, I saw you exit the Sonderbar last weekend...” She trails off when she notices my derailed facial expression. “And it seems like you would've preferred it if I hadn't seen you.” Nina sighs and places her hand against her forehead. “You know, I really don't mind that you're–”

“Don't you dare say anything to anybody!” I interrupt her and grab her by the shoulders. “Not a word to Annka. Especially not to Neue and Willi.”

“Honestly, it's not that big a deal, Alexei,” she says, shaking off my hands.

“I have no desire to be the topic of gossip.” I stare her down until she nods and I can heave a sigh of relief.

 

* * *

 

I totally forgot to ask Devrim about why they moved around a lot the next time I met him at the train station. We went to school together and mostly talked about what we could do in the afternoon. Going to my place was out of the question since we would've had to deal with my sisters then. He didn't want to invite me to his flat either because his room wasn't finished yet. So we decided to hike the trail that leads to Burg Husen. It wasn't that far of a walk from our school, but we didn't have any better ideas. He hadn't seen the old castle ruin up close yet and you had a great view of the town from up there.

But first, we had to attend six hours of lessons. They passed rather slowly, minutes stretching like gum, but for the first time in years, I had someone to talk to during breaks. Devrim had opted to ignore most of our classmates. He didn't like them, especially the other boys made him feel uncomfortable.

“They're total numbnuts,” he complained as we climbed the steep trail through the forest. “Just because they managed to get recommended for Gymi they think that they're intelligent, but save a few exceptions they are all way too fucking stupid.”

“Erm, I wouldn't go that far,” I mumbled, but Devrim probably didn't even hear me.

“And how they ignore you! That's just not normal!” He was gesticulating wildly to underline his words. I thought it was nice of him that he cared about me like that. “What's their problem anyway? You're, like, a really nice guy.”

“I don't really know, to be honest,” I admitted and kicked a spruce cone, sending it flying into the bushes. “I've known Kim since primary school and she couldn't stand me back then either. In the beginning, Julius and Lea used to talk to me, but I just didn't fit in.” Because they were the top students and I was a miserable loser. They kept rubbing salt in my wounds by showing off their great marks and at some point, I just said "fuck it!" and did my own thing.

“So Kim riled up the others against you or something?” He looked a little sceptical. “Ugh, this sucks. _They_ suck.”

I shrugged. “I have other friends.”

“Would you mind introducing me to them?” he asked haltingly. “I think I'll go insane otherwise.”

“Well, they go to different schools, but they live just down the street from my house,” I explained.

“It'll probably be a lot better than hanging out with those dumbasses from our form.”

There was no debating that. “Well, I'll take you with me next time. We agreed to meet up on the playground tomorrow evening.”

“On the playground?” Devrim looked at me with utter disbelief written in big letters across his forehead.

“Of course. Karl will bring beer and we'll sit down on the swings and talk. It's what we always do.”

“Mrs Merck would be shocked,” he said dryly. “First you read out a perfect book report on _Hau ab du Flasche!_ and then you spend a Wednesday night drinking, although you have to be at school on Thursday.”

I threw my head back, laughing. “Well, on school nights we only drink a bottle each and we don't do it _that_ often.”

We had a nice conversation on our way to the ruin. I have to admit that I've always been fascinated by old buildings, especially ruins. All that was left of Burg Husen was a couple of walls and the castle keep, but once you managed to climb down to the little balcony, you were rewarded with a stunning view of Hausach.

“And that's where the town gate used to be.” I pointed at a group of houses directly below us. Devrim let out a short laugh.

“Holy shit, first you show me every little detail about this ruin and now you also know the historical map of Hausach,” he said, grinning. “If I didn't know any better, I'd get the idea that you are a nerd.”

Huffily, I folded my arms in front of my chest. “History is interesting,” I grumbled.

“I never said it wasn't,” Devrim replied, shrugging. “But you don't even live here. You only come here because of school.”

“And? Hausach is full of history. There's a museum in the old manor house on the school grounds and in summer there are tours of the ruin on Sundays,” I tried to defend myself, but he didn't even accuse me of anything.

He laughed again. “Honestly, Alexei, I also think this stuff is interesting. Idiot.”

At that moment, I realised that with Devrim things were kinda different. Usually, when I met people my age they were either put off by the Russian name or my tendency to talk about politics and history. Devrim couldn't care less about the fact that my mother was Russian – he himself was Turkish – and he had an unquenchable thirst for knowledge. He ate up every bit of information that was thrown at him. In his eyes, I was a like-minded person. I could barely believe it at the time. Even with my oldest friends, I couldn't talk as freely as I did with him. They would listen to my ramblings about my newest insights into the history of our hometown for a couple of minutes, but sooner or later they'd cut me off and change the topic of our conversation. Devrim never did that. He would engage with the topic, ask questions and add what he knew about it himself.

That afternoon, as we stood on the balcony of Burg Husen, I was happier than I had been in a long while.

And the next day when I took Devrim to see my friends at the playground, I noticed how well he blended in with our little clique.

I introduced him to Mehdi, Ferdi and Karl. Karl and Mehdi were in the same form at a vocational school and Ferdi went to the Realschule. All three of them were a year older than me and Devrim. Ferdi and Mehdi sat down on the swings; Karl, Devrim and I sat down in the grass in front of them and each of us held a bottle of beer.

“My mum keeps nagging me 'cause of the smoking,” Ferdi grumbled, ostentatiously lighting a cigarette.

“It's your own fault.” I took a sip of my beer. “Didn't I tell you that you shouldn't keep the cigarettes in your jacket if you didn't want her to find them?”

“Well, Mr Know-It-All, it's kinda hard to keep track of all the shit that comes out of your mouth,” Ferdi replied. I knew he was just joking, otherwise, he'd have sent a couple more curses my way. I'd known him since kindergarten. We respected each other and knew when enough was enough.

“You want one?” Mehdi asked, holding out a cigarette for Devrim. Mehdi and Ferdi were the only smokers in our group. They were also the only ones who actually had the money to pay for them because they did the paper round on weekends.

“Nah.” Devrim shook his head. “That stuff makes me vomit.”

Mehdi shrugged and popped the cigarette into his own mouth. There was no such thing as peer pressure amongst my friends. We had to deal with enough of that bullshit at school. Thinking back on it, I couldn't have had better friends. We'd just ended up hanging out because we all lived in the same part of town. We met up out of sheer force of habit, but living in such close proximity there was no way we'd end up forgetting about each other. Everyone was just _there_ and thus we took care of each other.

I'm thankful to them. Even now that we're separated by sixty kilometres, an hour-long drive by car, they've never abandoned me.

 

* * *

 

“What took you so long?”

Damn it, I really missed Devrim's stupid smirk.

“I had to get rid of a colleague first,” I explain. He doesn't need to know that I do not want all of my co-workers to know about my private life. I'll tell him about what just happened sometime later. If “later” exists for us.

“Well, let's go outside before your customers think that you're still on the clock,” he says and points at my orange t-shirt and name tag.

“Oh, you're right.”

He really hasn't changed a lot. Fuck. It can't be normal that people stay the same even after they've become adults. I thought puberty was supposed to change them or did I miss something? Who allowed him to do that? Or is this all a trick of my mind? Am I imagining this? Holy shit, I'm overthinking everything.

We leave the hardware store and I help him load his purchase into the boot of his car.

“So what did you do after school?” I ask curiously. “You always said you'd be a legal assistant...”

“I am one.” He sounds mighty proud of himself. He loaded the last bucket of paint into the back of his small Ford. “Can I assume that you are financing your teaching degree with this job?”

“I major in history and geography and my minor is PE,” I replied, grinning.

“What did I tell you!” He pats me on the back.

 

* * *

 

The first time Devrim visited my home he immediately stole my sisters' and mother's hearts. My father, as always, wasn't home that early.

At the time Anastasia was obsessed with mental arithmetic and when she realised that she could throw equations at Devrim and he would give her almost immediate responses, she stared at him with awe in her eyes. My mother liked him because he was the first friend from school that I brought home with me and she was absolutely delighted with the politeness he exhibited in front of her.

And Irina... Well, I think she had a bit of a crush on Devrim. For a while at least. She'd constantly ask me questions about him and her nagging about taking her with me in the evenings became even more persistent. And her methods became a lot less harmless. She threatened to tell our mother about what she'd found in my browser history. Honestly, if I had looked at regular porn, I wouldn't have cared in the least. But well... It would've been really uncomfortable to explain my tastes to my mother, so I relented and let Irina come with us more often. We obviously wouldn't give her beer and nobody ever offered her a cigarette (my friends knew better than to corrupt my little sister in front of me), but she wasn't interested in those things anyway. Devrim with his pretty smile was a lot more interesting to her.

Thank God that she didn't match Devrim's tastes in the least. His reaction to my question if he reciprocated her feelings was very clear.

“Holy shit, no. No offence, dude, your sister's nice and everything, but I'm not into little girls. Especially if she's my best friend's sister.”

And once again, I was left with a warm feeling in my stomach that wouldn't leave for the next couple of hours. I was his best friend and he was mine. This knowledge was soothing to my battered ego and my soul.

 

Visiting Devrim's flat for the first time was exciting in a way. To him, however, it appeared to be more nerve-wracking. At school he kept fidgeting, drawing tornadoes into the corners of his notes and throwing nervous glances in my direction. At the time I thought that he acted weird. He'd already seen my room, seen the piece of garbage that I called my computer and he'd seen the way the wallpaper peeled off in our hallway. He should've known that my family's financial situation wasn't all that great either. And yet there was still something bothering him.

One afternoon I found myself in the two bedroom flat he shared with his mother and saw with my own eyes that his situation was the same as mine, maybe even worse. Aside from their respective bedrooms, they only had a bath and a tiny kitchen that had to double as a living room. But their apparent poverty wasn't the reason for Devrim's nerves. The problem was his mother.

I'll never forget the cold, serious look on her face. When she saw me for the first time, her eyes examined me from head to toe. Every centimetre was catalogued and filed away for later. All in all, her behaviour spoke of barely restrained paranoia. When the phone rang and it was an unknown number, she would refuse to pick up. She didn't care whether it was something important, in her eyes unknown callers were dangerous. It seemed weird to me, but I never asked about it. I wanted to get to know Devrim, but the way he avoided talking about his past made it hard to approach topics like this.

But I digress.

Devrim sighed in relief once he finally closed the door to his room behind the two of us, so we were safe from Ms Sadik's interrogating eyes.

“Your mother's... nice,” I said because I needed to say _something_ to break the awkward silence. Devrim rolled his eyes at me.

“Yeah yeah... At least she couldn't grill you because you don't know Turkish,” he said and fell down on his bed.

“What do you mean?” I'd already noticed that Ms Sadik wasn't all that good with German. She knew enough to communicate, but she must've had a lot more trouble finding a job than my mother did.

“Well, every time I have Turkish friends over she interrogates them. School, hobbies, whether they smoke and drink...” He looked kinda tired. “She doesn't want me to hang with the wrong crowd.”

“Uh, you probably shouldn't introduce Mehdi to her then.”

Mehdi spoke Turkish, smoked like a chimney and he was known for getting shit-faced on weekends.

“Not planning on it.” Devrim sighed once again. “I think she'll ask me about you once you leave.”

“Then please don't tell her that I talked you into drinking beer last week.” I tried hiding my nerves behind a grin, but Devrim looked right through me.

“Don't worry. I don't wanna get lectured either.”

 

My sixteenth birthday was spent amongst family and friends. The guys came over after school, my mother and Irina made Pelmeni and cake for dessert, and my father took me to buy my “first” crate of beer. Even if he usually didn't have that much time for us, on our birthdays my father was there for me and my sisters.

It was nice, eating and drinking tea with my friends and family. Devrim insisted on being in charge of tea the next time. He said that Turkish tea was a lot better. Mehdi agreed.

And then, for the first time in my life, a friend of mine called me by a nickname.

“Alyosha, please help me with the plates,” my mother asked. She used that pet name all the time and barely ever called me Alexei. Devrim had never heard it before, though, and thought it was hilarious.

And that's how I turned from being Alexei to being Alyosha to him.

 

Devrim and I spent a lot of time together. Talking, playing old games on my shitty computer, studying... Mostly studying, actually. He'd taken it upon himself to cure my exam anxiety after he'd witnessed how I'd received a 4 in German. His strategy was to study with me until I knew everything backwards in my sleep.

Obviously, I wasn't all that motivated, but Devrim could be really persuasive. We'd spend entire weekends holed up in our rooms, cramming for tests and exams. He was a good pupil in all the subjects I was bad at (mostly maths and physics) and the other way round (I helped him with German, French and English).

“Ah, now I get it!” he exclaimed after I'd explained the English genitive to him. “It actually makes sense now... You should become a teacher.”

At the time his suggested made me laugh. “Nah, I don't think so. I can't imagine spending the rest of my life at school.”

“But you're good at explaining.” Devrim looked at me with determination. “You'd be a fantastic teacher.”

“I wouldn't even know which subjects to teach!” I replied, uncomfortable with the topic. I didn't like thinking about the future since it scared me too much.

“History for example. Or geography, you're good at that,” Devrim thought out loud. And he stuck to his conviction. Every time someone mentioned job aspirations, he'd say that I should become a teacher.

After a couple of months, I started believing him.

 

* * *

 

At the end of Devrim's first school year at the Robert Gerwig Gymnasium in Hausach, we were still the best of friends. You wouldn't believe how much that realisation surprised me. The rest of our form didn't seem too happy about that fact. Especially Kim. She didn't like me and she didn't like it that a guy as charismatic as Devrim preferred my company over hers.

Devrim didn't care, I think. He preferred to spend his free time with me, Karl, Ferdi and Mehdi. It felt nice being favoured for once.

And being his friend, I was the first one to notice that something about his behaviour was starting to change. When we met up to prepare for the last tests and exams, he was strangely absent-minded. He would look out of the window, stare at the same page in his history textbooks for minutes at a time, and he barely talked anymore.

“Is everything alright?” I finally asked, concern winning out over my reservations. “Did you have a fight with your mother?”

“Nah... I...” He hesitated and looked at me with an indecipherable facial expression before closing his book with a sigh. “I haven't told you why we moved here yet, have I?”

I'd thought about it a lot, but never worked up the courage to ask. Sheepishly, I nodded, hoping that he wouldn't hold my seeming disinterest against me.

“It's a long story. It starts with my father being quite the asshole. I don't know what my mum thought, marrying a guy like him, but if she hadn't done it, I wouldn't be here, so I can't really complain, huh?” He put on a crooked grin, but it wasn't very convincing. His mouth moved, his eyes, however, remained cold. “Anyway... He sucked at being a husband and father.”

He stopped for a moment as if he needed to think about how much he could tell me. I simply waited. I didn't want to pressure him. This whole subject seemed to be quite uncomfortable to him after all, otherwise, he wouldn't have waited almost nine months to tell me about it. When he continued, his voice was trembling slightly.

“He hit us both. When I was really young, it wasn't too bad, but he still had a job then. Five years ago he got sacked and then it got out of hand.” Haltingly, he brushed aside the hair at his right temple, revealing a thin scar that was two centimetres long at most and barely visible. Then he pointed at a network of scars on his lower arm that must've been caused by a burn. Since he mostly wore long-sleeved shirts I'd only noticed it whenever we had PE, but it hadn't looked too bad so I didn't think to ask him about it.

“How...” I didn't know how to phrase the question. I was scared to say something wrong. I didn't want to accidentally hurt him. But Devrim answered my question without me having to say it out loud.

“One time I tried to run away from one of his outbursts. It only made him angrier and he pushed me against my closet. My head hit the edge pretty hard. Laceration. They had to stitch me up in the hospital. He told the doctors that I'd run into the door while playing.” He grimaced at the memory. “Another time he was furiously beating my mum, and I went between them. We were in the kitchen. I tried to pull him away from her and accidentally hit the pan that was still on the stove. It fell down, directly onto my arm. Second-degree burns.”

My throat felt too tight to breathe properly. I desperately wanted to hug him, but his story wasn't over yet.

“Thankfully, my uncle found out about what was happening in our home. He confronted my father, threw him out of our flat and convinced my mum to divorce him. I'm glad that my mum's brother is more concerned about our safety than all that 'family honour' bullshit.” He smiled and for a second it even reached his eyes. “The problem was that my father didn't want to give up. He began stalking us. He'd call again and again, demanding that my mother take him back. Fuck.” He inhaled sharply. His mother's paranoid behaviour started to make sense to me. “We were so scared, you wouldn't believe me. Every night I lay awake, listening and ready to run, in case he tried to break into our flat. I wouldn't have put it past him. So we moved from Stuttgart to Göppingen. I know it's not that far away from Stuttgart, but we still hoped he wouldn't find us there. But he did. He followed us, somehow managed to get our phone number and once again started harassing us. He waited for me on my way home from school and tried to pull me into his car, but luckily a teacher noticed and stopped him. We moved again after that. This time to Karlsruhe, but even there he found us. So we moved here, hoping that he wouldn't find us out in the sticks. He hasn't so far, but...” Devrim closed his eyes and leaned his head forward. I think he wanted to hide his tears from me, but I saw them anyway. “We haven't heard from him in such a long time, and it scares me. I'm scared that he'll find us again.”

That was my cue to wrap my arms around him. For a second, he went stiff at the touch, but then he let his head sink against my shoulder. Silent tears ran down his cheeks and dripped onto my t-shirt, but obviously, I didn't care. I wanted to comfort him, be there for him.

We sat like this for a long while. Screw cramming for our tests. In the state he was in, it wouldn't have been possible anyway, and tomorrow was another day. So we sat on his bed, he clung to me like I was the lifesaver that kept him from drowning, and I held him until he fell asleep in my arms. The fear must've kept him awake that night. But as he lay there with his face pressed against my chest... He seemed so peaceful and calm. His dark brown eyes were hidden behind their lids, his mouth was slightly agape. I suddenly felt way too warm. I wanted to touch his face, stroke his dark hair, but I didn't dare. If he'd woke up... Holy shit, I didn't even want to imagine his reaction. And so I closed my eyes. I hoped that the weird feeling that had taken hold of my chest would leave if I couldn't see his face. But the feeling remained, and I cursed myself for them, even though I knew that it wasn't really my fault. If I'd had a choice, I would've never had feelings for him, but nobody can control that.

Hours later, when Devrim woke up, he was slightly disoriented. He blinked at me, frowning, and then suddenly must've realised the position in which we were in. Quickly, he disentangled himself from my embrace.

“Holy shit,” he muttered, cheeks glowing with embarrassment. “I'm sorry, Alyosha.”

“It's fine.” His reaction hurt, but I wasn't mad at him. It wasn't like he could know that I was in love with him.

 

So... I'm gay. I'd known it for a while, though I'd mostly ignored it up until that point. Even a ten-year-old would notice that it wasn't socially acceptable to fall in love with another boy. Although my feelings had been rather innocent until then, I had still been scared to talk about them with anyone. So I remained silent as my friends started talking about their heartbreak. I'd sit on the swings, listening, but never shared my own stories and feelings. I didn't dare come out to them. They were my only friends and I didn't want to risk anything.

The first person to find out was my sister Irina. She'd tried to find blackmail material on my computer and saw the gay porn in my browser history. I'd become reckless and forgot to clear it apparently. Serves me right, I know. Irina didn't seem very bothered by this revelation, but she wasn't above using it against me.

However, she was also the person who noticed that something was off once I returned from my study session with Devrim. I'd started cursing loudly as soon as I closed the door to my room behind me, and she must've heard because she peeked into the room with concern lining her features.

«Что тако́е?»

“Honestly? You want to know what's going on?” I asked. On the one hand, I was annoyed by her curiosity, on the other, I desperately needed to get something off my chest.

She nodded hesitantly.

“Okay then. Come in and close the door behind you so nobody else hears this.”

She did as she was told and then sat down on my bed while I paced through the room.

“You are aware that I'm gay?” I asked, not beating around the bush. I wasn't up for long-winded explanations. With her fourteen years, she was old enough to know what it meant when her brother visited certain porn sites. I wasn't surprised in the least when she nodded again.

“Don't you dare tell anyone,” I said and came to stand in front of her, “but I'm an idiot and I managed to develop a crush on Devrim.”

That made her laugh like a maniac.

“Great. Now you're laughing.” Frustratedly, I tore at my hair. “Honestly, Ira, this isn't funny.”

“It is,” she giggled. “Looks like we have the same taste then.”

“He's not interested in you. He told me so,” I snapped back, but she only reacted with a bored shrug.

“I've noticed already.” Completely unfazed, she examined her nails. “Well... I doubt that your chances with him are much better.”

“That's why I'm so pissed!” Sighing, I fell down on the bed next to her. “I've been doomed from the start.”

Appeasingly, Ira put a hand on my shoulder. “You don't need to be so pessimistic. Just because your chances are bad doesn't mean that they're non-existent.”

But there was no space for hope in my brain. I was an emotional, pubescent teenager, so being pessimistic was in my nature.

Well, at least I finally had someone to talk to. As annoying as Irina could be at times, she was still a good person. And a good little sister.

 

* * *

 

Should I text him or should I wait for him to text me? I feel like I'm mutating back into a sixteen-year-old boy. Damn, doesn't this ever get any easier? Tired, I lean back in my chair. Writing term papers is easier when I'm not constantly plagued by memories of the good old times with Devrim. And it's definitely a plague since every thought about him feels like a punch to the gut.

That thing that happened with his father... It wasn't his fault, but it still hurt. It happened so suddenly and without warning. We'd felt so safe as if nothing could make us drop from the heights in which we were floating as if our friendship would last forever. And then – bam! – everything came to an end.

Suddenly, my phone starts vibrating. Maybe it's Devrim. I unlock it quickly only to be disappointed. It's just Ira.

_Would you have a look at my term paper?_

She started studying sociology recently, and this is her first proper term paper. Although I already have enough on my plate, I tell her to go ahead and send it to me. I can use every form of distraction right now.

 

* * *

 

I hated being in love. The constant pining got on my nerves, but I couldn't exactly stop it. In my eyes, Devrim was the most perfect being to ever grace the earth. He looked so good, sitting on those swings, one hand on the rope and the other lifting a bottle of beer to his thin lips. I wanted to change places with that stupid bottle. His mouth and oh so pretty eyes followed me into my dreams. The things I did in those dreams followed me into particularly boring German lessons. Thank God that Ms Merck never noticed how out of it I was sometimes. Devrim, who was still sitting next to me, noticed though. He'd make fun of me for it, but luckily never realised that he was the reason for my spacey behaviour.

I would've looked forward to the summer break since I wouldn't have to go to school anymore, but my parents had devised another form of torture for me.

They had saved up so we could visit my grandma and aunt in St Petersburg. We only spent the first week of the break with them, but I was terribly homesick and missed Devrim. Not that I didn't like my grandma, but I preferred my friends' company over a family vacation in Russia. Ira knew how lovesick I was and suggested that I should send a postcard to Devrim. I did but arrived back in Germany before he received it in the mail.

When I saw Devrim again after that one week, I basically threw myself at him. He was a little shocked by my enthusiastic embrace but reciprocated it without saying a word. There was this warmth again that I'd felt when he'd fallen asleep in my arms. And he smelled so nice. I can barely describe it. I guess I was floating on cloud nine.

And then it was over again. He stepped back, smiled at me, his entire face completely red, and said that he'd missed me. I smiled back, but the words were stuck in my throat. They formed a clump that wouldn't budge, and I was kinda happy about it because if I'd said anything, I would've probably embarrassed myself.

 

That summer break marked an ending of sorts. My friends were all done with school and starting their apprenticeships in September. Mehdi would be trained to be a baker, Karl wanted to be a mechanic and Ferdi an industrial management clerk. They'd got a lot less time then and Mehdi's work hours especially were kinda rough, but we tried to meet up at least once a week. Sometimes not everyone could come, but our bond remained strong.

And yet I felt lonely at times, especially when my unrequited feelings for Devrim hit me like a freight train. I didn't want to talk to the guys about it, but I still felt better when someone was around.

I would've probably preferred to get some distance between myself and Devrim, but I couldn't do it. At the beginning of the next school year, he sat next to me again, we'd take the train to and from Hausach together, and as soon as the first exams were upon us, we resumed our study sessions. On his seventeenth birthday, we went to an ice cream parlour, and it almost felt like a date. It was torturous, but I couldn't cut my best friend out of my life.

 

The first test we took after summer break was maths. As Mrs Hermann started distributing the sheets, my intestines convulsed. Damn, I felt sick. I would've probably puked on my desk if it hadn't been for Devrim, who suddenly put a hand on my shoulder.

“You could do it yesterday, so you can do it today as well,” he whispered and winked at me. The nausea was replaced by a bunch of butterflies in my stomach. His eyes were fixed on mine, and I couldn't look away. My face was feeling way too hot.

“Turn over your sheets now!” Mrs Hermann said, ripping me from my little dream world in which only Devrim and I existed. “Don't forget to write down your names, and do not even attempt to cheat. I have eyes on the back of my head!”

One last fleeting glance at Devrim, and then I turned over the piece of paper. I was too busy trying to calm the rapid beating of my heart to have a blackout. Obviously, I was distracted as fuck, but at least I wasn't having a panic attack.

 

One week later, I almost fainted at the sight of my result. In the corner of the paper, Mrs Hermann had written a huge, red 2 and a short comment.

_Very good! You improved a lot compared to last year. Next time you'll get a 1 for sure :)_

“And what did you get?” Devrim asked, trying to sneak a glance at my sheet.

“I've got a 2.” My voice was strangely devoid of emotion. Holy shit, this couldn't be true!

“Awesome!” Devrim leaned over to look at the teacher's comment and chuckled happily. “I knew you could do it.”

 

I was still in shock when I arrived back home that afternoon.

“Alyosha?” my mother's voice came from the kitchen. I took off my shoes in the hallway and went over to her. She was filling the kettle. «Чай?»

«Не надо.» Her monosyllabic way of speaking could only mean that she'd been rejected once again. At least I brought good news for her. “I've got a 2 in maths.”

I think she didn't understand what I was saying at first. She turned around to face me, frowning, and she looked as confused as I felt.

“A 2 in maths?”

“Yeah.” I set down my school bag on the kitchen table and got out the exam. Her eyes lit up as soon as she saw the mark. Squealing, she hugged me and started kissing my cheeks. I let her because I barely ever saw her this happy.

My father was almost as ecstatic as her when he found out, but he thankfully refrained from hugging me since he'd only just come back from work and was in desperate need of a shower.

My parents promised to raise my monthly allowance should I be able to keep up the good marks. Somehow I'd managed to make my parents proud, but the joy left a bitter aftertaste in my mouth.

I didn't exactly know why I hadn't had a panic attack during the exam, but the most obvious explanation was that I'd been too busy being a lovestruck idiot to worry. For years, I'd tried to get over that fucking anxiety, and then a handsome Turkish boy showed up, swept me off my feet and changed everything. Saying that he cured my exam anxiety would've given him too much credit, but he'd changed me somehow. It was a scary thought.

In the evening I sat at my desk, staring at the exam. Mrs Hermann had told us to correct the mistakes at home, but I didn't even grab my pen. Instead, I thought about Devrim's reaction when he'd found out about my mark. He'd looked like he was proud of me.

 

* * *

 

The next weekend, Devrim asks me if I want to meet him at O'Kellys. I should stay home and work on my term paper, but I can't resist the temptation. I'd rather spend my time in the company of a cute guy than writing about the bombs that destroyed Freiburg on 27 November 1944. That doesn't mean that I do not like studying history, but I've always been weak when it comes to Devrim.

Sighing, I reply to his text and hope that I won't regret meeting him again.

 

The pub is pretty full, but I can't overlook Devrim, not with how hard he's waving at me from across the room, grinning his broadest grin. For a moment I'm frozen in place, but then I manage to pull myself together and sit down across from him.

“Hey, how are you?” he asks, smiling.

I could've started whining about how much I still missed him, that I would've liked to help him back then, and that I am an incorrigible idiot who is hoping that he still has a chance with him, but I don't.

“Uh, I'm okay and you?”

He doesn't react to my counter question. Instead, his eyes light up with concern, because I apparently suck at hiding my emotions. “Do you have trouble completing your term paper?”

I would prefer struggling with my term paper. Problems like that can be solved with an e-mail to the professor, but emotional turmoil is another beast entirely.

“Nah, the term paper's coming along fine...” I try to avoid further questions, but Devrim won't let me.

“Is it about your parents?” he asks and unintentionally provides me with a good excuse for my odd behaviour. My parents are actually getting on my case about something. The reason could be a lot more pleasant, but oh well.

“Erm, kinda,” I reply and nervously start flipping through the menu that's lying in front of me. “My mum's mad at me 'cause I broke up with my boyfriend. According to her, he was the first acceptable partner I'd brought home with me.”

“Your parents know that you're gay?” He sounds surprised. I simply give a nod, avoiding his eyes.

“And they also know that...”

He didn't even have to complete that sentence. “No. Only Ferdi and Ira know about that.”

“Oh. Okay.”

For a while, we sit in silence until I can't take it anymore and look up at him. I'm instantly captured by his eyes. How can a human being even have eyes like this? Way too deep and as warm as the feelings that spread through my entire body right now. I could stay like this forever, sitting and staring at his eyes, but I'm interrupted by the waitress who asks us what we want to drink in a heavy Irish accent.

 

I'm honestly surprised that I managed to regain my bearings after that awkward start to the evening. We drink Guinness, keep up a nice conversation and laugh a lot. There's a prickling sensation crawling across my skin every time he looks at me, and the more time we spend at the pub, the more frequently our gazes meet.

“You've barely changed.” The words slip past my filter, but he smiles.

“Neither have you. But I like that you stopped dying your hair black. I prefer your natural hair colour.”

I'm actually happy that it's been a while since I've had my hair cut because it currently covers my glowing ears. A small compliment from him is all it takes to make me want to kiss him senseless. Thank goodness he didn't invite me to the Sonderbar. There I would've actually done it. Here, in the middle of a normal pub, it's a lot easier to keep up my self-restraint.

I empty my second glass of beer when Devrim asks, “Would you like to see my flat?”

 

* * *

 

It was a chilly night during autumn break during which Ferdi, Devrim and I took a walk in the Flößerpark. It could've been a pretty normal evening. We'd met up at the playground and took off toward the town centre. During our walk, we started talking about Ferdi's new girlfriend. He was head over heels for her and had to tell _someone_ about her, so he didn't even care that Karl and Mehdi didn't have the time to hang out. All he needed was an audience for his enthusiasm. He didn't notice, or maybe he didn't even care that neither of us paid much attention. I wasn't very interested in talking about girls, which Ferdi couldn't have known because I'd never told him, and Devrim seemed to be highly uncomfortable with the fact that Ferdi was telling us about his first time in a lot of unnecessary detail. I'd already had to listen to Mehdi and Karl talk about that stuff, so I was pretty desensitised to other people talking about their sex life in my presence.

I was kinda relieved when I noticed that my shoelaces had come undone. That way I could step out of the conversation (actually it was more of a monologue).

“Keep walking, I'll catch up with you,” I told them and knelt down to tie up my laces. My friends actually kept walking, and I had to run for a bit to catch up with them again.

The atmosphere, however, was suddenly very different. Devrim was even quieter than before, and Ferdi was smirking like a supervillain.

“Something wrong?” I asked confusedly.

“Nope,” Ferdi replied plainly and began talking about his girlfriend again, but he finally seemed done with the topic of sex. He really loved Tanja back then, and he still does as far as I know since they've been together to this day.

 

On the last day of autumn break, Devrim called me to ask whether I wanted to hang out at his place. Of course, I wanted to, but it seemed weird that he'd call me. Usually, he'd just come by my flat if he wanted to see me and the other way round, but we never actually made plans and called each other beforehand.

I told my mother that I was going to see Devrim and left the flat. It wasn't far, just a five-minute walk. I rang the bell, he let me into the house, and I climbed the stairs up to the third floor, thinking. Maybe something happened? Was there a reason why he didn't want to go to my place? There was a reason, as I would find out a couple of minutes later, but I digress.

He opened the door for me with a nervous smile.

“Hi, Alyosha,” he said. His face was flushed. Something about it struck me as strange, but I didn't say anything. I said hello and took off my shoes. Normally, this was the time when Ms Sadik would've entered the hallway to see who was visiting, but she didn't show up.

“Where's your mum?” I asked curiously.

“She's visiting my uncle in Stuttgart,” Devrim explained, avoiding eye contact. “She just called, saying that she missed her train. She'll stay another night.”

So we were alone. Complete privacy. Was that the reason for this invitation? But why would he want to be alone with me?

Once again, I remained silent and followed him into his room. We sat down on his bed, and for half a minute, he stared at his hands which were folded in his lap.

“Two days ago, when we were out with Ferdi...” he started suddenly only to stop in the middle of the sentence. His hands formed into fists.

“Yes?”

“Well... that one time you stopped to tie your laces...” He stopped again. “Ferdi said that you're gay...”

“How the fuck did he find out?!”

As soon as the words had left my mouth, I covered my mouth with my hands. Silently, I cursed my inability to think before I spoke. Shit.

“He told me that he wasn't sure but... You're actually gay?”

There was no use in lying to him now, was there? I simply nodded in resignation. It would've been too convenient if my secret had never been discovered, wouldn't it? _At least Devrim doesn't know that I'm in love with him_ , I thought, and then all of a sudden, everything was happening way too quickly.

Devrim's mouth was pressed against mine, stealing my breath and reason. Instinctively I kissed back, moved my lips against his. Everywhere we touched my skin was tingling, and it felt like my ribcage was about to burst because my heart was beating heavily. Suddenly, I realised that I should probably breathe – and most importantly think – and pushed Devrim away.

“Devrim...” I started, but he shook his head, effectively killing my attempt at talking about this. He didn't want to talk, so we didn't. Instead, I leaned forward with closed eyes – a silent demand to kiss me again. He did, and I reciprocated without further hesitation. One of his hands carded through my hair, the other sneaked its way beneath my sweater. I wrapped my arms around him, pulled him close and let myself fall back onto his bed. Surprised, he looked down at me with wide eyes. They were filled with a fire that I would've never expected from him. They lit me up, and from then on, there was no way we could've stopped.

Honestly, it was worse than a fire in a dried up forest. We were both only thinking with our lower parts in those moments, and yet it was beautiful in a way. We took off each other's clothes and silently tried to memorise each other's bodies with our mouths and hands. His skin tasted like salt, his kisses were sweet and we couldn't get enough of each other. But at least we were intelligent enough to know that we had to draw a line somewhere. We didn't have condoms or lube, so we opted to give each other hand jobs instead. Very romantic, I know, but that was my first time. We held on to each other, kissed, whispered the name of the other... and afterwards, I remained wrapped up in his arms for a couple of glorious minutes. We would've stayed in that position for hours if our bellies hadn't been covered in cum. It felt kinda icky, so he handed me the box of tissues he had on his bedside table. Sheepishly, I started cleaning myself up. He followed suit.

I only noticed how fast everything had happened when we'd discarded the tissues in his bin. It's not that I want to complain. After all, I had the biggest crush on Devrim, and when I came to lie down next to him on his bed again, he kissed me and sighed contentedly. I was on cloud nine.

I honestly considered calling my mum and telling her some lie so that I could stay at Devrim's for the night, but we had school the next day. Thus, after a couple hours of silent cuddling, I pulled on my clothes and left for home.

 

Devrim and I never talked about what had happened in his room that night, and yet, our relationship changed drastically. In unobserved moments we'd kiss or hold hands. When he said my name, I felt shivers run down my spine. We were together somehow, but we also weren't. There was something missing, and in my utter stupidity, I didn't know what it was. Not that I actually had someone to consult on this who had more relationship experience. The only people who knew anything at all were Ira and Ferdi.

The former asked me about it after Devrim and I had disappeared in my rooms for hours the next day. Irina only wanted to know whether I was still in love with him, but of course, I had to tell her that I'd just spent more time with making out than studying.

Ferdi found out through Devrim. A couple of days later, he pulled me away from our group and simply said, “Devrim said that he slept with you.”

My face was completely flushed, and a choked sound was everything that left my mouth when I tried to reply.

“How was it?” He just grinned at me.

“Nice...”

“Well then.” He patted me on the back and pulled me back towards the swing set, where the others were busy opening the first bottles of beer.

 

* * *

 

Fingers dig into my hip bones. Lips brush against mine.

And again and again, he whispers my name.

Devrim is inside me, and I don't want this night to end.

 

* * *

 

What the fuck am I doing here? In the dark, I take a look at Devrim's silhouette next to me. He's lying on his side, facing me, but that's all I can make out. From the regular sound of his breathing, I can guess that he's probably already asleep. Once again, we didn't say anything. He showed me his flat. The tour ended in his bedroom. This time around it was me who jumped him. I alone am responsible for this situation in which I _once again_ don't know what he wants from me. Was this a one-time thing? No strings attached? Or will this happen regularly, and we'll become friends with benefits?

What _I_ want is very clear. I've fallen head over heels in love. _Again_. Maybe I never actually stopped loving him, and the feelings I had for my three ex-boyfriends were just make-believe. Okay, that's not very likely. At least with Gerome, I was actually in love. I haven't told my mother that he cheated on me and that I dumped him because of that. I prefer to let her believe that I simply didn't have any feelings for him anymore, even though she'll nag me about it for the rest of my life, saying that he is “such a nice and polite young man”. She doesn't need to know that I haven't felt as much pain in a long time as in the moment I saw him with another man.

Again, I turn to look at the owner of this bed in which I keep berating myself for my own idiocy. I should've told him that I'm in love with him, that it broke my heart when he'd had to leave. I should've asked if he was interested in being in a proper relationship with me, or if we should keep the relationship strictly platonic. Then I wouldn't be lying next to him in his bed, naked and asking myself whether he cares about me the way I care about him.

Sighing, I sit up and rub my eyes. As soon as he wakes up, I'm going to ask him. I can't let him disappear again. This time it'd be my own fault, unlike last time.

 

* * *

 

The end of my relationship with Devrim was sudden and unexpected.

Three weeks had passed since our first time. In the meantime, I had turned seventeen, he had spent the night after the party, and we had gotten around to using the condoms and lube we'd bought. Thank god that neither my parents nor sisters had heard us.

It would take a couple of more years until I came out to my parents, and even though I was mentally prepared for all eventualities it was awkward as hell. My father didn't really get it, but ultimately, he didn't care who I slept with as long as I didn't father any unwanted children. My mother was overjoyed that I trusted them enough to talk about it. But as I said, this would happen years later, right before I moved out of their flat for my studies. I'll stop stalling now, and tell you why Devrim and I got separated.

It was in the middle of the night that I woke up because I heard a weird noise coming from my window. Confusedly, I turned on the lights and tried to figure out what it was. I got up and looked out of my window. In the dim light of the street lantern, I could see Devrim throwing pebbles to catch my attention. Quickly, I opened the window and was hit by a gust of cold air.

“What the fuck is going on?” I asked worriedly. Devrim didn't look so good.

“Help me inside, and I'll tell you,” he whispered back. Taking a running start, he pushed himself up on the wall and grabbed the arm I held out to him. Straining, I pulled him inside.

“You're not wearing a jacket!” I realised and immediately closed the window behind him. Then I grabbed him by the arm and manoeuvred him onto my bed where I wrapped him up in my warm blanket.

“My father found us,” he whispered with tears welling up in his eyes. “He called and said that he's coming to get us.”

And with that my perfect world crumbled to pieces. Silently, I pulled him close. I felt a sense of déjà-vu as he leaned his head against my shoulder and cried. His biggest fear had become reality.

“We'll have to move again...” He sobbed loudly and wrapped his arms around me. “I don't want to leave.”

And I wanted him to stay as well. Desperately, I tried thinking of a different solution, but I couldn't. He and his mother had to flee, at least that was what I thought at the time. And then I also started crying. Shaking, I kissed him again and again. I wanted to calm him down, wanted to calm myself down, but it didn't work particularly well.

We had sex one last time before he climbed out of my window into the cold night and vanished.

It broke my heart. I don't know where they went, I only know that he never called, let alone came to visit. It was probably for the best. If they'd showed up in Wolfach again, his father might've found them. But it still hurt so much. I hadn't even told him once that I loved him. He never told me either. All that was left were a couple of photos that I kept hidden away in a drawer, because every time I looked at them, the memories came back to haunt me.

 

* * *

 

I haven't slept at all. Maybe I dozed off for a while, but most of the time I was wide awake and watched Devrim sleep. He moved little, didn't snore, but sometimes mumbled something in Turkish.

But now he's stirring, stretching and opening his eyes. He blinks at me for a couple of seconds, then a broad smile forms on his sleepy face.

“Good morning,” he mutters and yawns loudly.

“Morning.” My voice is raspy. Devrim blinks at me again.

“Did you sleep well?” he asks, rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

“I didn't sleep at all.” Lying is pointless. If I want an honest answer from him, I need to be honest as well.

“Sorry if I snored–” he begins hastily, but I don't let him finish.

“You didn't,” I say and shut my eyes for a moment. You can do this, Alexei. “I had to think.”

“About what?” He sounds worried.

“About us. What happened last night. About how I'm sick and tired of not knowing if you feel the same way about me as I do about you.” It all flows out like water that breaks through a hole in a damn. “I missed you so much, I kept crying myself to sleep after you left, because it was all too much and because I was scared that your father would find you and hurt you again. You were the first person I fell in love with. I don't know what got into me last night, I should've told you all of this before I did anything, I should've asked you if you're serious about me or if this is supposed to be a one-night stand...” Sighing I rub my hand over my forehead. “So... I fell in love with you again – or maybe I never actually stopped loving you. What about you?”

Devrim's eyes are wide open, his mouth agape. The number of words that have just left my mouth must've shocked him, because, for a moment, he's completely speechless.

“The problem with my father is solved,” he says after he's figured out how to speak. “We've managed to get a restraining order against him. He's not allowed to come near me or my mother anymore. So you don't have to worry about me anymore. And about my feelings...” He lowers his head, and I get ready for the figurative dagger that will be thrust into my heart any moment now. “Well, I... Damn it, I've never said this to anyone before... I am...”

“It's fine,” I whisper because I can't take it anymore. Tiredly, I swing my legs over the corner of his bed, so I can get up and find my clothes, but Devrim's arm wraps itself around my torso and stops me.

“Honestly, Alyosha, let me finish!” he huffs angrily. “I love you!”

My heart stops, and my brain is utterly empty.

“Well, there you have it,” he says, leaning his head against my back. I can feel his hot breath against my skin. “I know that this took a couple years too long, I should've said it back then instead of kissing you all of a sudden, but I was scared, okay? I was seventeen, goddamnit. I didn't know what I was doing. I only realised what I'd left behind when it was already too late. Dude, you won't believe how happy I was when I saw you at the hardware store.” He laughs. “I didn't think I'd ever see you again. And yesterday... when you kissed me it felt just like it did the first time.” He kisses the skin between my shoulder blades, causing a tingling feeling to spread all over my back. Carefully, I turn around and look at his familiar brown eyes.

“So this is a relationship?” I ask, just in case.

“Yes, if you want it to be.”

My lips find his, and just like that, everything that used to be unsaid between us is voiced. I have him back. My first love.

And I dare my mother to complain when I'll finally take Devrim back home to meet my family again...

 

**Author's Note:**

> This was only the first part of the series. In the following days, I will start posting the second part, which is written from Devrim's POV.
> 
> You can find me on [Tumblr](http://gilrael.tumblr.com).


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